Dr. Vicki Matthews, a two-time guest on The Adiel Gorel Show, is committed to teaching people how to get along with everyone. She and I have some very interesting conversations about relationships – why some work so well and some just do not. She has deeply studied the Five Elements model of Chinese medicine and now helps people discover their elemental personality. Among her other claims to fame, she is also a relationship coach. She teaches people how to have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone. During our conversation, we spoke about the primacy of social contact for humans and the science behind a happy relationship.
Why social interaction is so vital.
Social connection is such a powerful human need that it supersedes many of our other instincts and desires. – Dr. Vicki Matthews
Humans are social animals with an innate need to learn how to get along with everyone. In fact, even animals are social – herbivores, monkeys, primates, and even predators live in herds. I recall a movie about jail inmates – the setting is that of a violent and dangerous prison where warring gangs are in direct and constant conflict. Though this prison setting is in itself so dangerous, there is something that the inmates fear even more: solitary confinement. Somehow, even the constant threat of violence is a less awful punishment than the grim prospect of isolation. We also talk about the Tom Hanks movie Castaway – tune in to my podcast to know why this is relevant.
Dr. Matthews agrees that we all have this strong socialization need within us. We are all wired differently, however. Some of us may be Fire personalities that thrive on being around others. On the other hand, a Water personality is happier in a library by themselves. What makes a Water personality happy and content may drive a Fire personality bonkers, she says. So, while each of us is wired for socialization, it is to a lesser or larger degree depending upon each person’s elemental personality. This is key to understanding the science behind a happy relationship.
Relationship problems can crop up when disparate personality types experience friction and are unable to figure out why this happens. Dr. Vicki confesses that she often feels like a referee when she is helping couples figure out their issues. The important thing is to understand the other person and to change one’s behavior accordingly, she says. This is the secret behind how to get along with everyone.
Why tribalism is not a bad thing.
While today, we see the very worst aspects of tribalism online, it wasn’t always so. In fact, it is this very tribalism that helped us survive as a species. It was the unique human ability to cooperate that resulted in the complex and highly developed societies that we live in today. It is also a uniquely human thing to learn how to get along with everyone. While dissimilar personalities may tend naturally towards negative or abrasive interactions, this doesn’t necessarily have to be so. We can learn to get along even with those who may make us uncomfortable, says Dr. Matthews.
She shares some anecdotes of people she has worked with, such as a couple who didn’t enjoy sex. She had them paint their room red, and that changed everything! She tells the story about the dad who wanted his son to play football and couldn’t understand why he wanted a camera. She was able to explain to the dad that the son is a different element – someone who is more creative and sensitive and less outgoing. The reluctant public speaker did a brilliant job when she called upon a hidden element of her personality.
Dr. Vicki Matthews’book about the five elements can help people understand a lot about why they do or don’t vibe with certain people. After all, understanding our differences is the best way to bridge those very differences and learn how to get along with everyone. Book reviewers speak about how the book helped them become more supportive of others in their lives, change their own behavior for the better, and alter the dynamics of their relationships. Take a deep dive into learning how to have a healthy, happy relationship – tune in to my latest episode with Dr. Vicki Matthews.
