Create Space for Men’s & Women’s Sexual Health to Emerge and Connect

Adiel Gorel

Great Sex Isn’t Just Skin On Skin – It Is Also Mind to Mind

I learned a lot about how men’s and women’s sexual health differs while chatting with sex counselor, couples’ therapist, and author Ian Kerner for an episode of The Adiel Gorel Show. I understood more about female anatomy and also about the ‘pleasure gap’ – how male pleasure has always been privileged over female pleasure, but how that is now changing. In part two of the podcast, we speak about the relationship aspect of sex; how intimacy cements the connection between two people. We speak about tantra, sexual energy, the chakras, and even the spiritual aspect of sex.

Why are we attracted to people?

Ian and I try to identify what constitutes charisma in a person, the difference between men’s and women’s sexual health, why there is chemistry between two people, and the meaning of what we call ‘personal magnetism’. Why are we attracted to some people and not to others? Why does this attraction even seem to defy logic at times? For instance, we often are attracted to the ‘wrong’ people. We may be attracted to someone with a hint of danger or recklessness even when we know that this goes against our understanding of what a ‘partner’ should be like.

According to Ian, the way we feel attracted to someone also has to do with culture and society, what is seen as desirable or forbidden, and so on. The ‘bad boy’ or the ‘hot and wild’ woman are not supposed to be the person you want to ‘settle down’ with or want to co-parent with, says society. Should that really be a consideration at all? According to Ian, the thing to privilege most ought to be sexual attraction because it is that more than anything else that differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one. Ian speaks about the importance of heeding our instincts and making our choices based on that rather than socially sanctioned norms or external approval.

Is performance anxiety a thing?

This is another question of mine that Ian addresses in the podcast – is performance anxiety a problem when it comes to relationships, sexual pleasure, men’s and women’s sexual health, and so on? To answer this question, Ian shares his experiences with clients and therapy settings – men who would like the pressure off of them, issues around Viagra, psychological flexibility, and so on. Ian also stresses on ‘outer-course’ vis-à-vis intercourse – something that widens possibilities and offers many different ways to give and receive pleasure.

We speak about ‘spectatoring’, which is a term coined by Masters and Johnson known to be some of the original sex researchers. This is when one is not present in the moment of having sex; when one is more concerned with the performative aspects of sex. Here again, there could be cultural beliefs that drive behavior, requiring people to almost follow a sort of script. This will negatively impact arousal so that one isn’t getting the kind of pleasure one would expect from sex.

Another aspect of sex that we speak about is ‘faking it’ – something that every woman probably does at some or other point. In Ian’s experience, this is usually the symptom of a lack of communication between a couple, about what they like and need. Egos in a relationship, semen retention, and his latest book So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex are some of the other things we speak about in the podcast. Check it out now!

Adiel Gorel

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